I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.
Source: Mad Magazine.
We haven’t wanted fruit for hundreds of years. That’s why there are so many paintings in museums of just bowls of fruit. Because you could start painting a bowl of fruit, leave for couple of days, come back and no one would have touched the bowl of fruit. But if you’re painting a doughnut, you’d bet finish it on the first sitting.
The great Warren Zevon was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2002. He appeared a final time on “The Late Show with David Letterman,” in which the host dedicated the entire hour to his guest and friend. The following exchange was broadcast Oct. 30, 2002.
DAVID LETTERMAN: From your perspective now, do you know something about life and death that maybe I don’t know?
WARREN ZEVON: Not unless I know how much … how much you’re supposed to enjoy every sandwich.
I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That’s why I like to talk to you about Jesus. He better not. It doesn’t matter if you’re religious or not. Does anything make you feel more uncomfortable than some stranger saying “I’d like to talk to you about Jesus”. Yeah, I’d like you not to. You can say that to the Pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He’d be like “Easy freak, I keep work at work.”
So, in the Christian faith God created Adam in his own image, yeah? So that was good, but 65 million years before that God created the dinosaurs using the image of his cousin Ted. And Ted was not the black sheep of the family—he was the huge fucking monster of the family. And there must have been God, I mean it’s not in the Bible, is it? It should have been mentioned somewhere around Genesis. You’d think God would grab someone’s arm—some scribe who was copying out and saying, ” … but before that, there were dinosaurs who were a bit crap, so fuck ‘em.”
— Eddie Izzard, “Circle”
By the way, if there is anyone here tonight who is in advertising or marketing … kill yourself. … Seriously, though, if you are, do. No, really, there’s no rationalization for what you do and you are Satan’s little helpers. You are the ruiners of all things good. … I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now. “Oh, you know what Bill’s doing? He’s going for that anti-marketing dollar. That’s a good market. He’s very smart.” I am not doing that you fucking evil scumbags. “Oh, you know what Bill’s doing now? He’s going for the righteous indignation dollar. That’s a good dollar. Lot of people are feeling that indignation. We’ve done research. He’s doing a good thing.” Goddamnit, I am not doing that you scumbags. Quit putting a dollar sign on everything on this planet. “Oh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession. Bill’s very bright to do that.”
— Bill Hicks, “Chicago Funny Farm”