5-paragraph review of ‘American Horror Story: Coven’ season finale

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Season 3, Episode 13: “The Seven Wonders” | Original air date: Jan. 29, 2014

“American Horror Story: Coven” concluded with a festival of silliness to cap a delightful season of absolutely gratuitous debauchery. The episode begins like a 1980s music video with Stevie Nicks singing a tune while the girls study up on raising the dead, levitating beds and setting things on fire with the power of their minds. Nicks’ appearance in the show is pointless, but then so is the series, so just go with it.

The surviving members of the coven undergo the seven wonders, a series of tests to see who the next supreme is. Misty (Lily Rabe) taps out first. She goes to hell. She doesn’t come back. She turns to dust. Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) impales herself on a spiked fence while playing teleportation tag. Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe) fails to revive her and Madison (Emma Roberts) refuses to bring her back to life because she’s a bitch that way. She kills a fly and resurrects it to prove she’s got the power. It appears she’s the new coven leader.

Myrtle (Frances Conroy) convinces Cordelia (Sarah Paulson) to take the trials via a pep talk. Cordelia bests Madison in the game of reading pebbles. They called it divination. It looked like Yahtzee with rocks. Madison storms off to go back to Hollywood. Kyle (Evan Peters) strangles Madison to death because she refused to resurrect Zoe. The creepy butler, Spalding (Denis O’Hare), who is dead but surprisingly ambulatory, shows up to help Kyle bury the body. That guy is dedicated to his work.

Cordelia resurrects Zoe. Myrtle demands to be burned at the stake. Cordelia agrees. Why not? We haven’t had a good witch burning in weeks. Cordelia decides to make the coven public and opens the door to new witches.

Fiona (Jessica Lange), Cordelia’s mom, shows up. She died in the last episode. She got better. Fiona is ravaged by cancer. She asks her daughter to kill her. Cordelia gives her a hug. She dies. She wakes up in a country cabin with the Axeman (Danny Huston), who has caught two large catfish. The cabin is not as lavish as the coven’s New Orleans mansion. This is hell for her: a rustic country life. The end.

1-paragraph review of ‘American Horror Story: Coven — Go To Hell’

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Season 3, Episode 12: “Go To Hell” | Original air date: Jan. 22, 2014

This week in gratuitous debauchery: Everybody dies. They get better. Cordelia (Sarah Paulson) wanders around with her empty eye sockets. Fiona (Jessica Lange) takes an ax to the back from, oddly enough, the Axeman (Danny Huston). Delphine (Kathy Bates) dismembers Marie (Angela Bassett). Both die and go to hell to hell, which is run by a reject from a Rob Zombie video named Papa Legba (Lance Reddick). Misty (Lily Rabe) returns from the grave and beats the crap out of Madison (Emma Roberts), a season highlight. Axemen shows up to try to kill all the witches. But suddenly they all have super powers. They don’t need them. They just dice the guy up with a bunch of kitchen knives. 

5-paragraph review of ‘American Horror Story: Coven — Protect the Coven’

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Season 3, Episode 11: “Protect the Coven” | Original air date: Jan. 15, 2014

  1. This week on “American Horror Story: Coven,” the most gratuitous show on television: A slave is filleted by Delphine (Kathy Bates). Later, she feeds human feces to the coven as soup. Then she kills a black gardener by cutting of his toes one at a time because she likes killing black people.
  2. Myrtle (Frances Conroy) says the following phrase: “tastes like an Olympian’s ejaculate.” Later she plays the theremin again, which is only slightly worse than her free-verse poetry. 
  3. Cordelia (Sarah Paulson) plucks her eyes out with a pair of garden scissors in an effort to get her sight back. That sounds ironic. It isn’t. When she’s blind, she has a kind of extra sensory perception.
  4. The Axeman (Danny Huston) chops up a clan of witch hunters, killing most of them with an axe, but finishing off one with the gun in the dismembered hand of one of the guys. Fiona (Jessica Lange) also hacks a guy in the jugular.
  5. Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) and Kyle (Evan Peters) decide to runaway to Orlando. That isn’t really gross, but they are going to Florida, which can be just awful.

5-paragraph review of ‘American Horror Story: Coven — The Magical Delights of Stevie Nicks’

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Season 3, Episode 10: “The Magical Delights of Stevie Nicks” | Original air date: Jan. 8, 2013

  1. American Horror Story: Coven” is a silly show. I only watch it to make lists of the debauchery displayed each episode.
  2. This week: Voodoo priestess Marie (Angela Bassett) gives her newborn son to a guy who looks like a reject from a Rob Zombie video in eternal life. She has to give him a baby every year to keep the gig up.
  3. Nan (Jamie Brewer) uses her mind powers to force the neighbor lady to drink bleach as revenge for the lady killing Nan’s would-be boyfriend. Fiona (Jessica Lange) and Marie drown Nan in a bathtub. Fiona points out Nan is an innocent, except that she killed the lady next door, but “The bitch had it coming.”
  4. Madison (Emma Roberts) tricks Misty (Lily Rabe), who can raise the dead, into being buried alive. There is also gratuitous use of the theremin by Myrtle (Frances Conroy) and a two-song set by Stevie Nicks, who apparently is a white witch.

1-paragraph review of ‘American Horror Story: Coven — Head’

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Season 3, Episode 9: “Head”

Original air date: Dec. 11, 2013

This week in “American Horror Story: Coven” gratuitous debauchery: Myrtle (Frances Conroy) removes the eyes of the witches’ council with a melon ballerQueenie (Gabrielle Sidibe) tortures Delphine (Kathy Bates) by making her watch “Roots” and listen to music from the civil rights movement, which is maybe the funniest debauchery on the show ever; Joan (Patti LuPone) smothers her son Luke (Alexander Dreymon), with a pillow after he discovers she murdered his father, an act which is called filicide, so this show is educational now; and Hank (Josh Hamilton) shoots up a the voodoo priestess’ (Angela Bassett) hair salon. Oh, and the boy Frankenstein’s monster, Kyle (Evan Peters) accidentally pets a dog to death.