5 sentence review of Alcatraz

Season 1, Episode 4: “Cal Sweeney”

5. “Alcatraz” turned up its science fiction aspects in the epilogue to “Cal Sweeney,” a story about a time-jumping inmate who once ran the illegal drug trade at Alcatraz and reappears in 2012 to romance bank clerks in order to rob safety deposit boxes.

4. The prisoners who disappeared in 1963 have possessed or sought out special keys — some of them laser cut which was impossible when the prison was built.

3. The keys baffle even Agent Hauser (Sam Neill) and his team of scientists working under the Rock, but they believe the keys have something to do with how the prisoners jumped nearly 50 years into the future.

2. Hauser seems content to keep Doc (Jorge Garcia) and Madsen (Sarah Jones) in the dark, leaving them to chase down the reappearing weirdos each week, but that’s likely to change with minds as keen as theirs.

1. The episode ends with a promising trip to a secret triple-locked subterranean enclave — opened, of course, by the same keys turning up with the convicts — and suddenly everything feels very time-traveling island, but in a good way.

5 sentence review of House of Lies

Season 1, Episode 4: “Mini-Mogul”

5. The lingerie scene with Kristen Bell promised in the “House of Lies” trailer finally happened in the show’s fourth episode when her character, Jeannie, beds some moody coffeehouse singer with an acoustic guitar because she has “daddy issues.”

4. If you ask me, it’s a dirty trick to get people to watch the show for four episodes, but the promise of it was really all that kept me watching.

3. I’m sure this says something terrible about me as a person, but I’m probably no worse than the ugly corporate parasites depicted here.

2. Marty (Don Cheadle) is forced to bring his gender questioning son, Roscoe (Donis Leonard Jr.),  a kid who seems to be the most intellectually stable person on the program, along on their effort to work with some narcissistic Internet billionaire, which forces Doug (Josh Lawson) into the role of babysitter and Marty into the role of drunk dialer to his ex-wife (Dawn Olivieri).

1. Jeannie is engaged but sleeping around and I’m sure there was some other stuff going on, but I lost interest and the only thing I can really say about this show is that it is mercifully only half an hour an episode.

Kristen Bell was nearly naked in the last episode of "House of Lies." It was sexy, but hardly worth watching this show.

5 sentence review of The Big Bang Theory

Season 5, Episode 14: “The Beta Test Initiation”

5. All these years I’ve taken thousands of dollars worth of antidepressants and anxiety control medication when all I really needed was for Chuck Lorre to invent “The Big Bang Theory.”

4. The show has a sweetness to it, even if it is based on the false hope of the nerd getting the girl, and it never fails to cheer me from even my grayest moods.

3. “The Beta Test Initiation” finds Leonard (Johnny Galecki) and Penny (Kaley Cuoco) working on rekindling their relationship using the language of software development to communicate “bug” in their interactions.

2. The real fun, though, comes as Raj (Kunal Nayyar) falls in love with Siri, the personal assistant software on the iPhone 4S, in a running gag that so perfectly skewers the disciples of Steve Jobs’ branding-as-identity morality and the ludicrousness of our technology dependance to the point of social, intellectual and even sexual impotence.

1. Oh, and Sheldon (Jim Parsons) and Amy’s (Mayim Bialik) effort to make a video podcast on vexillology was an amusing distraction, too, but then the actions of Dr. Sheldon Cooper are always worthy of attention and laughs.

Dr. Sheldon Cooper "is one lab accident away from being a supervillian."

5 sentence review of Touch preview

Series previewSeries begins March 19.

5. Martin Bohm (Kiefer Sutherland) is a father on the edge: He’s broke, his career as a newspaper reporter over, his wife died in the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks and social worker Clea (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) is on the verge of taking custody of his mute son Jake (David Mazouz), who has a penchant for climbing cell phone towers, telling the future with numbers, popcorn and orange soda and a distaste for being touched.

3. Professor Arthur DeWitt (Danny Glover) tells Martin that Jake has a special power to detect the future by recognizing patterns in numbers, and Jake convinces Clea by predicting a phone call from her mother by counting out popcorn kernels before the call comes through.

2. Jake fixates on the number 318 which is tied to the badge number of a firefighter who tried to rescue his mother — the same firefighter then entered a series of numbers based on the incident in the lottery for years, finally won a jackpot and after a confrontation with the Martin forces the firefighter to miss a train, the firefighter saves children on crashed school bus — No. 318 — while a boy in Baghdad trying to steal parts for his family’s broken oven from terrorists only to be forced into being a suicide bomber with a trigger that uses a cell phone lost at a New York airport and the phone has traveled around the world making an Irish call center employee a signing sensation, the same call center employee who prevents the boy from blowing himself up in exchange for getting an oven from a restaurant supply company who originally lost the phone that had photos of his dead daughter.

1. The previous sentence is easily the longest in the history of General Tso’s Revenge, and if it left you breathless and your head spinning a little bit, that’s pretty much what it was like to watch the “Touch” preview except that unlike the preceding paragraph, “Touch” leaves you wanting more.

5 sentence review of Alcatraz

Season 1, Episode 3: “Kit Nelson”

5. All hail Jorge Garcia, the patron saint of big-and-tall cherubic heroes and the highlight of the new Fox series “Alcatraz.”

4. Garcia plays Dr. Diego “Doc” Soto with an earnestness that has echos of Hugo “Hurley” Reyes, his breakthrough role on “Lost”, one of 9,472 TV shows and movies produced by J.J. Abrams.

3. This isn’t to say Garcia is Michael Cera, who seemingly plays the same guy in every role, but it is to say that Garcia has a knack for playing everyman types with a childlike sensitivity mixed with a strong, honorable moral core even if his “Alcatraz” everyman has doctorates in criminal justice and Civil War history, has written a book on the history of Alcatraz, writes and draws comic books and owns his own comic shop.

2. In “Kit Nelson,” the reappearing inmate is a child killer (Michael Eklund) and Garcia’s Doc takes the effort to rescue a kidnapped boy personally and it’s eventually revealed Doc survived a similar harrowing experience at age 11.

1. FBI Agent Emerson Hauser (Sam Neill), the tough, hard ass in charge of rounding up the inmates that disappeared in 1963, offers surprisingly tender moment when he shows empathy for Doc’s childhood peril but demanding Doc embrace his adult expertise to remain on the team.

The women's studies majors say General Tso's Revenge is sexist and only shows cheesecake photos of women. In a settlement reached with the Professional Fun Haters of America, we present our first male cheesecake photo, Jorge Garcia from "Alcatraz."